HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there, but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the "Work Poop" is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, what follows is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, walk really fast around the office, so the
smell is not in your area. Everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other Poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.
ESCAPEE This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the Farter in the urinal,pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the
water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME This is walking from the stall, to the sink, and then to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER This is a colleague who poops at work and is
damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) This is a group of co-workers who
band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify.
SAFE HAVENS This is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a Pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMEO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. This is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE STEP.
ASTAIRE STEP This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON This is a poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMEO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET This is a case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. This is often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using a Cameo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE HANK This is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
They can spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An Uncle Hank makes it difficult to relax while on
the crapper, as you should always wait to poop until the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
